I’m stuck

Okay. I couldn’t sleep and was just ruminating over love and that pesky business and I realized something. Let’s take a look at my basic type, my “ideal man”: tall, blond, thin, singer, I imagine him having a certain type of humor, his laugh, his smile, etcetera. All of this, I realized, is based off of my first boyfriend, the first love I’ve ever had- Chris. I never really pieced this together before but everyone I dated had something or another that reminded me of Chris, most of them having multiple qualities of him. And the reason I kept getting so heartbroken over every breakup, however insignificant, was because I think in my head, it was Chris breaking up with me again. 

I know, that’s probably pathetic but whatever. I guess your first love just.. sticks with you. Or atleast he did with me. 

Also, Julie is still my sister, my best friend is still Amrita. Most of my close friends were cemented back in the same time as Chris. I have branched out and made new friends, changed small things in personality, changed a bit in music/movie/entertainment taste, but.. overall, I’m exactly the same as I was six years ago. 

This post has been pointless, but to me it sheds so much light on.. life. And how I’m gonna shape my decisions from now on. Chris and I still talk, often. We talk about our deepest problems, about everything. I literally trust him with my life. But he has a boyfriend, and we live far away. So until the day I can move back to Austin, I think.. I can be content in just dreaming about him, or a prototype based off of him. I don’t need to jump from guy to guy trying to find a replacement or anything. 

This, folks, is what happens when you lay in bed for hours listening to Eric Whitacre, Phillip Glass, John Tavener, and other classical, choral composers similar to them. 

@1 year ago